


Such A Complicated Feeling

by wednesday_ukiru



Category: CrankGameplays - Fandom, Unus Annus - Fandom, Video Blogging RPF, markiplier - Fandom
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, I Don't Even Know, Minor Injuries, Platonic Relationships, Unus Annus, mark loves amy and ethan and thats it, no serious description of romantic relationship tho, what are they
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-08
Updated: 2020-06-08
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:15:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24606061
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wednesday_ukiru/pseuds/wednesday_ukiru
Summary: Ethan falls down and hurts his head in the process of filming another Unus Annus video. It makes Mark terrified but also makes him finally voice something that had been obvious for a very long time.
Relationships: Mark Fischbach/Amy Nelson, Mark Fischbach/Ethan Nestor
Comments: 10
Kudos: 344





	Such A Complicated Feeling

**Author's Note:**

> I mean no disrespect to Amy or Mika, this fic is more of a comfort thing rather than a full on shipper thing.
> 
> This idea might have been done already but I couldn't get it out of my head, so... Also, umm, this is the first work in English that I'm publishing and English is not my first language, so I'm sorry for any grammar or spelling mistakes.

It was too late. 

He saw it too late. Didn't manage to warn him in time. The rope wasn't tight enough, or just wasn't tied right, whatever, but he saw, just seconds before it happened, he saw it being too loose around his waist. He watched him fall, watched how the realization slowly appeared on his face. But it couldn't have been slow. The fall happened in like five seconds. It must've been quick, but for Mark it felt like an eternity. Like ages passed by, while Ethan was laying there on the hard and cold soil. Amy pushed him away, because he tried to take Ethan's face in his hands. She screamed something about an ambulance and head trauma and something else, and his name, for sure. 

_ "Mark"  _

Yeah, she said his name a lot. While he watched Ethan's pale and weirdly still face, Amy was near. She wouldn't let Mark touch Ethan, but she was saying his name a lot. And something among the lines of "everything's gonna be okay". Mark didn't really hear it, more like imagined. Maybe, there was something deep inside of him, that was hoping that if he says that enough, it will become true. 

But also there was a part of him that was already imagining the funeral. Like, the real funeral, not the ones they've jokingly made before on Unus Annus. An open casket. Ethan's crying mom. Fans blasting down comments on every social media he has, not letting him forget even for a second.

_ "Mark" _

He was always the one to overthink the worst possible scenario. So right now he feels like the world is in slow motion, letting him sink deeper and deeper into those desperate images of Ethan being dead, really dead, of his actual gravestone and the flowers and the burden of writing a speech for the funeral and… 

"Mark, come on, we gotta get to the car, we'll follow them to the hospital!" 

Amy screams this right in his face and suddenly the world starts moving, spinning, everyone's running and everything is so loud and bright. Mark squints and raises his hand to protect his eyes from the lights of the ambulance and then he too starts running to the car. He needs to. He's gotta be there when the ambulance gets to the hospital. He's gotta be with Ethan. He can't just let him be alone there. He can't leave Ethan alone.

As they drive, Amy is behind the wheel and the guys who were their trainers today in the back, Mark starts to feel anger slowly rising in him. He glares at the back mirror, meeting the eyes of one of the trainers. Weren't they supposed to provide Ethan's safety? How are they… why… why did it happened to Ethan? And not him? He jumped down that thing right before Ethan, and nothing bad happened. Wasn't even that exciting, to be honest. A couple of moments before the fall Mark was thinking about how he can edit it to look more interesting. And then he noticed the rope being loose. 

Why did it happen? This thought circles through Mark's head as they walk into the hospital doors and as they wait in the cold white, almost washed out type of white corridor. Was it fair? Of course it wasn't. But Mark suddenly remembers now that he just might have to deal with Ethan's and a lot of other people's death. Not like he didn't remember it before. He did, obviously, the whole point of Unus Annus is to remind you about the inevitability of the end, of dying. But he knows from experience, that  _ knowing  _ stuff and  _ dealing  _ with it are two very different things. Yet, this experience and this knowledge doesn't make him feel any sort of better. Actually, it might just be making everything worse. 

Rationally, he knows that it's probably just a concussion. Nothing more than that. But emotionally he wants to sit on the floor, curled up in a ball and cry. In the middle of the hospital, while those guys are trying to tell him something, he only thinks about how he wants to hug Ethan and never let him go. Never let him do anything stupid like that again. It's selfish and ridiculous, and again, rationally, Mark knows it. But he can't fight this dreadful fear that makes his chest tight and his legs weak. 

"Mr. Fischbach, we just wanted to discuss something" 

Mark turns slowly, trying to focus. It's one of the trainers – bulky and really tall, he looks like he's very uncomfortable. He's slouching, like he's trying to make himself smaller, but only looks like he's out of place here, almost inappropriate. His face is a pale shade of red, and Mark can see a bead of sweat on his forehead. 

"We're very sorry about the accident. We're hoping that Mr. Nestor is going to be okay"

Mark looks at Amy, standing behind the trainers. He doesn't understand what they want and he knows she can read him well. Amy gives him a tiny nod, and that's the only reason why Mark doesn't just leaves or says something rude. Because he's not about to actually accept apologizes like this from a guy who doesn't check his securing properly. 

"Unfortunately, we can't really stay here. We have a business meeting at five. And we would like to know right now if you can tell us whether we're going to handle the situation nice and private, or you're going to file charges"

Mark blinks, slowly. The gears in his head are turning, he can almost hear them squealing. He's trying real hard to wrap his mind around what the man just said. 

"Of course, I'm sure that the first option is going to be faster. And we, obviously, don't want to bother you more, than you already have been, and nothing is as tiring as a trial and all this lawyer stuff… Plus, we would give you some moral compensation. It's a horrible accident, yes, but I hope you can clearly see, that it doesn't represent our company in the right light…"

Did he… _Did he just offered him money so that they wouldn't sue them?_ _For a trauma, that they are responsible for?_

Mark takes a deep breath and he can feel his hands clenching into fists and that's exactly when Amy takes the guy away. She says something to him, smiling, and Mark is very thankful for this amazing women, but also – he would gladly take the opportunity to punch someone in the face. Someone, who's actually responsible. He still feels anger bubbling in him, so he paces the hall back and forth, basically acting like an animal in a cage. He feels like one, too. Like he's trapped and can't do anything. He looses it very quickly, when he has no control over the situation. 

Mark stops at the end of the hall and stares into a wall. He dreams of hitting it, to get the thoughts about Ethan out of his head for a second, because it becomes unbearable. He feel like crying and screaming at the same time, like there's a giant chunk of him missing. There is a thousand thoughts in his head right now: what if Ethan dies, will he feel empty, like after his father died? What if Ethan goes into coma? What if they don't know about his peanut allergy and he's going to die ridiculously, because of a medicine with… Is there even a medicine that contains peanuts in any form? Or what if Ethan's going to forget him? Is it worse, than Ethan's dying? Mark starts hyperventilating, he's aware of that, but he can't help it. He just stands there, staring at the wall, drowning in his own head. 

He closes his eyes shut and punches the wall as hard as he can. Luckily, it's quite tough, so there's no hole in it, when he looks at it again, feeling more focused on the pain in his hand than anything else. 

And then he suddenly remembers Ethan smiling at him, asking, if Mark ever seen him angry, and he remembers how they were laughing at that stupid hole in the wall of his own house, that he has made. And how back then Ethan even got a little scared for real, he admitted that he felt like Mark was angry at him, and Mark has spent like twenty minutes explaining that he's not angry and that there's nothing to fear, and that he would never ever hurt Ethan. And after they finished the video, Mark made sure that Ethan was completely fine and nothing was wrong between them, before letting him go home. And he fed him ice-cream and made him his stupid latte with lots of sugar, even though he thinks it's an abomination in the world of coffee. Right now it seems like that hole is in him, not in the wall. And nothing can really fill it.

Mark feels actual tears running down his face. They burn his cheeks and his nose starts feeling stuffy, but he doesn't attempt to wipe them away. He doesn't move either. There's not enough strength in him. He feels worn out, empty, scared and confused. He just really wants this suspense to end. It's making him feel useless, making him afraid that everything else that he loves will be taken away just as easily and he won't be able to do anything. 

Amy comes from behind and puts a gentle hand on his back. Her breathing is heavy and Mark knows that she's probably trying not to cry too, so he turns around and hugs her. They stand there for a while, Mark doesn't know, how long. There's no clock in the hall, but it sure feel like another eternity. It's unfair that this morbid waiting lasts so long and every good moment seems to pass so quickly. 

When a doctor finally comes to them, Mark feels like he could legitimately have another heart attack without any alcohol being involved. His heart is beating so fast, he can hear it almost as clear, as he can hear the doctor saying: 

"He seems alright. Definitely not a concussion, but tomorrow we'll check if anything else was affected. Right now he needs to stay in bed and…"

Mark doesn't listen anymore, there's too much relief filling his chest and he feels so light-headed. Ethan's okay. He's okay. Mark won't have to see an actual, not a jokingly made casket. Mark won't have to call Ethan's mom to say that her son is dead and it's because Mark didn't watch him close enough. Mark won't have to deal with any of that, not today. Never in his life did he feel so relieved. Never in his life did he wanted to see Ethan so much. 

They are all sitting in Ethan's hospital room, and Mark is holding his hands, feeling like crying again. He apologizes, for what is probably the tenth time, and Ethan, for the tenth time, repeats, that it's not Marks fault. But Ethan is so pale and there are bandages on his head and his smile is so weak. It's there, but it's weak, and Mark feels awful. He knows that Ethan is the one who should be complaining right now, he's the one laying in the hospital bed, but somehow it all ends up with Marks head on the edge of Ethan's bed and his hands running through Mark's hair. He pets him, toying with the little curls at the nape of Mark's neck. Mark moves on from apologizing to mumbling about how unique and amazing and special Ethan is, and how noone in the world could replace him. Mark doesn't tell him that enough. Mark doesn't tell him how much Ethan means to him, how much he's worth. How much he loves him. 

And that "love" slipped from his tongue easily, effortlessly. Mark doesn't think twice about saying it, and there's nothing weird in it. Neither for Mark, Ethan, or Amy. It's just a fact, Mark loves Ethan. And Ethan definitely loves Mark. There's no doubt about that. Love is too complicated of a feeling to try and force it into some sort of box. Love is just as incomprehensible and inevitable as death. It's ineffable. 

It late, when Ethan falls asleep again. Too late for Mark to be able to get any coffee other than the shitty one from the vending machine, so he decides to not have any at all. He sits there till the sun rises, and he watches as Ethan's face gets painted by the light. He looks relaxed. His left hand is reaching out towards Mark, he fell asleep like that, and Mark moves a little to take his hand. It's warm and he slightly tightens his fingers around Mark's palm.

Mark's never gonna leave him. Ever. 


End file.
